By Dr. Marcie Courter
Clinical Psychologist, The Corvallis Clinic
Relationships can be tricky to navigate, even more so when 185 of your closest Facebook friends are monitoring its status. So, first off, when do you change your Facebook status to “in a relationship”? After the first date, second date, third?
That first date can be exciting, but changing your status probably requires a few more dates and discussion with your partner. Your best bet is to wait until you have had a consistent pattern of positive dating interactions. It is also important to discuss the status of your relationship with your partner. Take your partner’s feelings into account when making this decision. If your partner does not feel ready to broadcast to all of your friends that you are dating, then respect the person’s wishes.
However, if you are feeling disrespected by your partner’s desires to post or not post your relationship status, then a discussion is in order, as well as some thought about whether you are getting your needs met from the relationship. It is also a good idea to examine the reasons why you feel the need to post on Facebook. Is it to finally prove to the world that you are worth dating? To receive support and assurance? To make an ex-partner jealous? Or is it the need to feel liked by others?
Once you decide to post your relationship, is it appropriate to post status updates and pictures of your relationship? Everyone likes to see pictures of friends; however, some people may think the continuous link into your relationship gives them the right to give you relationship advice – even when unsolicited.
Remember, a relationship is a special bond between just the two of you. Deciding whether or not to go viral with that bond and share it with others should be a decision both parties make carefully.
Lastly we come to the difficult and dreaded time in a relationship – the break up. Now we all know this will never happen to your relationship, right? So, let’s just say a friend recently broke up with a partner. Does that friend change their Facebook status to “single” right away? Does your friend start obsessively checking on their ex-partner’s status to see what is being said?
Here is what you might say to your “friend”: “Deciding to break up is a painful process, and it is best to give yourself some time to process your feelings before changing your Facebook status. If your ex-partner has already changed their status – and you feel angry – know that this is part of your ex’s healing process. If you do decide to change your status to “single,” be prepared for people to have an opinion.”
Most of your Facebook friends will want to give advice or comment; you made your relationship viral so now they have a stake in it. If you find yourself checking your ex-partner’s status and page more than once a day, then chances are you might need to unfriend your ex-partner for a while. If you are checking the pages of your ex’s friends, then maybe a break from Facebook would be appropriate.
Remember, social networking sites such as Facebook are a tool for keeping in touch with others. You and your partner are already in close contact. Understanding the reasons why you want to post information about your relationship will help you know if it is the right thing to do.
The bottom line is that you need to respect both your partner and yourself. If you can do that while informing others through Facebook about your relationship, great. If you and your partner cannot find a way to agree on whether or not Facebook is a good idea for your relationship, or you are hanging on to a relationship after it is over by checking your ex’s status, then it is probably best to break up with Facebook as the third wheel … just for a while.
Marcie Courter, Psy.D, is a clinical psychologist at The Corvallis Clinic at Waverly Drive in Albany. Dr. Courter is also a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional. She can be reached at 541-754-1288.
